i'm not dead.

i've done a lot of thinking lately. part of this is how nice it would be to be of another faith that doesn't place so much control on one deity -- one who they don't base their every tiny move by. perhaps this is my conscience trying to reject the fact that if there is a "God" and the things written in the bible, i'm obviously going straight to hell for having sex before marriage, among other things. modest mouse states my believes on god impeccably:

"for your sake i hope heaven and hell exist
i really doubt it, but i wouldn't hold my breath."

i really think i'd like to be hindu..


as for my "art" (i can't even call it that -- i suck so badly), i have taken to sketching almost incessantly -- in classes, before classes..and all the while i yearn for someone to look at it and tell me that i DON'T suck, to tell me that i'm truly very good. well, i had something similar to that happen; a girl asked me during psychology class how much i would charge to do a sketch of her eleven-month-old daughter. i want so much to be a studio art person..i want to dabble in everything -- especially to learn photography, printmaking (i want to be andy warhol *tiny smile*), and graphic design..i rather think i'd have a knack for that.

i haven't painted since my painting professor told me that i didn't put any effort into my final painting -- that it was "crap". however, i am feeling determined to turn a photograph of adam at five years old into a painting to mail to his mother. i want to make it have the feel of cezanne's still lifes...and i just don't know how to do that. besides, i can't make the correct flesh color for the life of me. always comes out too pink or too orange or too white.



"wish i was anywhere with anyone making out."

valentine's, by the way, is the suck.